I often wonder if I’d recognize the faces of people I knew a million years ago. All that cliche shit about life being crazy and leaving us different than we ever were, unrecognizable versions of our current selves. It sounds stupid now, but I hope I’d be able to pick you out of a crowd, just to say hello, be reminded of why we parted ways and go our separate ways again with a genuine wish for your wellness.
I’m having a hard time accepting all the unlikeliest in life these days. I’m a sucker for the human condition but wrapping my head around things that were part of my life and just aren’t anymore because the universe says so sounds like some really faulty reasoning.
Unrelated, or perhaps not, did I fall in love? I don’t know. As of this moment we’re still together and there is some kind of love there, so I want to say yes. But it’s a love that requires a lot of sacrificing of myself without a lot of topping my cup back up in return. I adore him and it’s no fault of his own. His reactions are strangely muted, like when he’s having an amazing, romantic time, he says, “I’m enjoying this” and that’s like peak expression apparently. I’m supposed to glean from that that because thought to say it, that’s how I know it’s affectionate.
I’ve come to know myself well though, and I know it’s not enough for me. I love big and out loud, and having it whispered back, if at all, leaves me feeling like I’m chasing scraps. I fully believe that everyone’s best is different and I don’t even think he’s flawed. But not-broken also doesn’t automatically equate to good-fit, so I’ve been putting off breaking up with him because apparently in the recesses of my stupid brain my needs not being met isn’t a good enough reason. I’m trying to treat myself better, including calling on others to step up their game in loving me and otherwise freeing up my time and energy to finding the ones that can rise up.
So, again, did I fall in love? I don’t think so, but I did find love. And I’m pretty sure this week is ending with a break up.
10:34 p.m. - 2024-04-24