"I think it's fair for you to know, it's wearing on me," I said. It was nothing new, but I do think it was fair for him to know. I'm not good with ambiguity to begin with, and our predicament had been coming to a head for a while.
From my angle, it seems he leapt at the chance. "Okay," he said, "it's unfair of me to keep being confused about what we are and expect it not to mess with you." He's right, of course, but fuck, I hate it when people lay their shit on me like they're doing me a service. If I wanted to pull the plug I would have; if you want to be the one to give this the sweet release of death, claim your reasons. If I was done with the unfairness, that's my call to walk away (and for the record, I wasn't walking away, because it's unfair for both of us and the potential was enough for the moment.)
How about: it's wearing on me too, what can we do? How can I support you? It feels like my confusion is unfair and I don't want to cause you harm, what do you need from me? I can only ask so many times to try find some compromise before it's begging, and I'm not about to do that, for the sake of his autonomy and mine.
I brought it up because I could feel resentment starting to surface and I prefer to seek a solution before I'm laying face down in the abyss. But one person can't make a collaborative effort. And now the resentment is really starting to build.
All he had to do was work this out with me. I was open, I saw potential, I was willing to adapt and move. I was in it to work it out together.
He remains important to me, and I know the resentment will fade. It also remains immensely important to me that I'm enthusiastically chosen. I'm not sure there's coming back to the point of potential we had knowing that it wasn't even worth the conversation.
2:14 a.m. - 2023-02-02