Last night I had a slumber party with my teenaged niece, or as much as it could be for us while we try to show her some semblance of normal. My husband and I are the "most normal" couple in our family and have been together the longest - over 10 years is a rarity.
Her mom has all kinds of issues (that she takes out fully on my niece) and her dad has admitted he has no idea what to do with a daughter because both of our parents were/are...lacking in the skill set themselves. I'm not saying we really have any fucking clue about this life or how to live it but at least we speak to each other respectfully and my husband is a rare example in our realm of experience of a man who's kind to women.
So, when she's here I make a point to listen to her, I stay up late with her and we make dinners, do arts and crafts or just lounge in front of the TV. These experiences won't make it into 100 Things To Do Before You Die but it beats the alternative some days.
Her mom moved out of town, all the while threatening my niece that she'll never have a relationship with her mom or her little brother if she didn't go with them. My niece has always had a choice in the matter but since my side of the family is a little more easy-going it's easier for us to deal with being away from her than what her mom would do if she stayed here instead. At least we have the sense not to take it out on her for a decision that's hard enough to make in the first place.
My niece has never really had a voice. It happened to me too when my parents got divorced - no matter what my options were, one of my parents would be upset. You get a little shy on pulling the trigger on any decision when the one you make will end up always disappoint someone you're trying to get approval from - and they'll let you know.
But she's come a long way over the past year. She started opening up to me when I could explain to her the way she felt without her telling me because I felt the same way too. Other than that, she's surrounded by people telling her to buck up because hey, it's not like she's a starving kid in Africa or anything.
To an extent, this is true - we are very fortunate to have been born in this environment. I disagree that because we have this life we are to suck up and get over any and all psychological bags of crap that we're handed too.
Eventually she'll find that her parents are just people too and for the most part in this life you can't expect other people to go out of their way to try to soothe your soul - in my experience, you're the only one who can do that anyway.
But that's never stopped me from kicking and screaming at someone whose own crap is getting in the way of moving past mine. You gotta have a voice so that at least at the end of the day you can sit with yourself and say, "Yeah, they came at me. At least I tried."
I'm looking forward to when she really busts out and finds that voice - I know she's spectacular and I can't wait for her to throw it in our faces.
10:22 p.m. - 2014-03-28