To Chris, my brother:
You were always nice to me. I always remember 2 stories when I reflect on our relationship and recount them to other people when I talk about how my brothers, for all of our in-fighting and frustrations, were really good to me.
The first memory was in elementary school when I was being picked on by a group of girls, as stupid elementary-aged girls do to each other. It was my week to be excommunicated from the group and all my friends had turned on me. I'm sure I'd said something wrong or offensive to someone and they had rallied the troops to ensure that I was aware of my new status.
This group of girls, and yes, they really were my friends (little girls really are stupid), were chattering over and with each other at me, calling me names before turning to each other to discuss how they were going to beat me up. One was going to hit me and then the other one was going to join in. Should someone hold me down or should they all just get in at the same time?
Now I doubt they would have done anything at all. Some of the same girls did the same thing in junior high school for no reason. Truly, no reason, because all I had done was walk up to the bus stop and I hadn't spoken to those girls in years. I clearly remember one of them saying, "Kick her ass. If she tries anything I'll jump in," as though I wasn't within earshot. I ignored them and nothing happened.
Anyway, back to the time in elementary school - I remember running across the field where you were playing soccer and I was yelling, "Chris, Chris! Those girls are going to beat me up!" And you asked who I was talking about because as is very clear now, the girls had not followed me and had no intention of following through on their promised beat-down.
As an I adult I can see the childishness of your response - but you were a child, so it's as it should be. I don't mean childish in a bad way, I mean childish in the way that most insults hurled in the schoolyard are. It's funny to me now that you told me that if those girls came back I was to let you know because you had matches in your pocket and you would burn them if they came back to lay a hand on me. I don't know what you think you would have done to them with a match, or why you had matches in your pocket at all in 5th grade, but having the misguided support of my big brother flung those girls' threats from my mind. I still didn't want to go back, so I sat on the field near where you were and then the bell rang to get back to class anyway.
The second memory that sticks out in my mind is in junior high school when Umbro shorts were a thing. We were only in that school together for one year and while at school one of us may as well have been dead for the amount of times that we saw each other. There was little to no interaction necessary or desired on either end of our relationship, I think.
I remember a day I had gym class and I wished I had a pair of Umbro shorts instead of whatever I would wear to gym class. (As embarrassing as it is, at one point I used to wear stirrup pants to gym class. That just made me laugh out loud.)
You seemed to have an abundance of Umbro shorts because you were on almost every sports team in the school. I had no Umbro shorts because they were expensive for our family and I spent my lunch hours in the library. When I asked to borrow a pair from you there was no hesitation. I thought I was going to have to plead and beg and promise that I would return them to you safely. In that moment, my big brother was supporting me again, despite our almost total lack of interaction at the time.
To this day I know that you will make fun of me and call me a bitch. We'll go a while without talking. I will inevitably want to punch you in the face and wish you made better decisions. You will think I'm being stupid. But to this day I also know that you will have my back, and when you can see that I'm in a panic it will be with no questions asked.
I am so grateful for the past few years where we have found common ground and grown up a little. As the youngest and with my brothers being twins, it seemed like I was always running from my circle to try to get into yours. I think it's natural that I would want to be accepted into the cool crowd even at home. We seem to be at a point now where it's not just me running into a group that may or may not be welcoming.
Thanks for taking a step my way too.
7:39 a.m. - 2014-12-04