At this point, I think I'm just waiting to die.
Not in that "I'm going to off myself" kind of way, but in the way that it seems entirely unlikely that I'll accomplish anything beyond what I've got going on now and this is not what I want to do with my life. At a certain point potential wanes and there's nothing else to do except wait for something to run its course.
My dream has become to open a studio space - pretty simple, really. One office, one workroom, one space for a photography studio. I've recently discovered that without the lottery or some other windfall, that's not going to happen. I can't afford it now, never mind if I actually quit my job to run my business full time.
Anyway, I'm becoming increasingly bitter about how stunted I am as a person. Bitter about being bitter. Angry that so much of it is wrapped up into the relationship with my mother. It even pisses me off how cliche THAT is.
The worst part is knowing that shit isn't even that bad and I'm fucking stuck like this anyway.
Actually, the worst part is how much I sound like my father right now.
9:50 a.m. - 2014-06-12