It occurs to me, especially after reading my last entry, that there are several people scattered across the planet that mean the world to me, and I have no idea whether they're alive or dead.
We're all a lot older now, and with age of course comes the inevitable, and we never know when the numbers are gonna come up. I don't suppose anyone that comes to mind is really in the range of an "average" age of death, but with uncertainty and the passage of time, it really only moves toward the realm of possibility, not away from it. To think that some of my friends are now 50, or 60, or even 70 freaks me the fuck out.
I was supposed to be getting work done today - bookkeeping and setting up and paying bills - and I did some of that, but I've found myself furiously googling the details that I could remember of my friends from the online communities of my past just to see if they're still above ground. It started out innocently enough, with "I wonder if..." but it didn't take long before a sense of panic set in and I had to return to the real world - for the sake of leading a productive life and for the sake of not having a meltdown.
It also stands to reason, though, that I'll never find out one way or the other, since one of the best things about the internet of yore was that you didn't need to know someone's full name or address for them to have carved out a cavernous pit in your heart so they could just curl up in there forever. We knew each other's aspirations and heartaches and fears and passions instead. Let me tell you, Google can't help you find that.
I have no illusion that had we been friends in the real world, it would be the same, and that my heart would still be the same skyscraper apartment building it is. The online communities of old were fucking magic and you'll never convince me otherwise.
Like any good magic trick, the enchantment comes from not knowing, so I guess it's right on point.
1:58 p.m. - 2017-05-09
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