I've been working at the same place, getting in the same arguments with my mom, having the same issues with my dad, even wearing the same clothes since high school. I knew then that it wasn't working for me, except that it kept every dynamic the same and those dynamics were the ones we knew how to deal with.

It's taken 9 years for me to get to the point where I'VE decided that something needs to change. I threw out all my oversized high school clothes. I've gone back to school to get into Post-Secondary. I've accepted that I've done what I can to get my dad to meet me half way, and that it's never going to happen. And I've got something to say about it when my mom calls me stupid.

It's taken 9 years for it to really sink in that yes, all of my behaviors and some of my relationships are continuing at status quo, but that they are not actually "working for me" and that I deserve better.

I don't want to live on auto-pilot anymore. I really want my life to be what I choose it to be. I really don't want to be working in the same office even one more year. I don't want my mom to bury herself in work anymore on time that she's set aside for us, or call me stupid, or have the kind of control over me that she has. I do want my relationship with my dad to be better, but I want to be satisfied that I've held up my end of it.

One good thing about auto-pilot is that I guess I had a lot of time to figure things out. To think about where my anxieties come from and what the things are that really need to change, and what is actually left for me to do about it.

I already feel more confident and it's already led to bigger and better things. I've done above average in my class, I have the confidence I'm going to need to go in and beg for the spot I want in Post-Secondary. There is no longer any uncertainty about packing up and moving on from my current job when the time comes. I don't shut down as often when I should be standing up for myself. All of this has led to being able to clear the air about some family issues (the good and the bad, at least it's clear - I've been pretty emotional since that conversation. Might even be the reason I'm here writing today).

I spent some time reading a journal of a friend from high school. It's really disappointing to me to feel such heartache for some of the things he was going through, and to not be able to talk to him about it. We got so far off track. It is so disappointing to me because I've always felt that that should have been one of the friendships that lasted. Maybe someday I can try to transform this particular mess into something that works again too.